Savor

Last night I met with a friend of mine regarding an upcoming women's retreat. The whole them revolves around John 6:35 "I am the bread of life". We went over what we need as far as physical items but I woke up this morning thinking of what we will need spiritually. the reason for this thinking is spirit lead, I have no doubt of that. I think the reason the spirit is leading me down this path is because of the opportunity this weekend will be for God to completely changes some of these ladies lives, me included.
I have been struggling a great deal lately. My attitude, my opinions, my focus- they have all been too focused on me and my problems and not focused enough of the Lord and the problems he provides for me to do His work. So I am having to relearn to wait, ask the Lord for His desires in the situation, and sometimes do nothing until He speaks to me. This can be a true test for me at times because I really want to react. But when I actually wait for God to tell me what to do, the problem is settled. Not always solved mind you, but settled. With that settling comes a sense of peace. That peace is a sensation I am learning to savor. Now. I do not ever use the word savor for anything, except chocolate. Or maybe the Mary Chef's cooking. I think that in truth those are the only two occasions I can think of when I have thought of the word savor much less used it. BUT with this new peace God gives to me I am learning to savor the feeling. I know I am not supposed to revel in it or rest on those laurels. I get that. However, I really would like to enjoy the peace to the fullest extent the Lord will allow.
Do you ever find yourself savoring something God has shared with you? Maybe through his word, maybe through your family? Today I learned once again that God's timing is perfect. Now I have learned that before and I am sure that I will have to learn it again, but it sure is nice when He reminds you.
I am still struggling, today was better in some ways than others, but still a struggle. I am in the place right now where I am paying to price for poor decisions. I have to take this penalty time, as it is, and learn from it. So if you read this and you happen to pray for me, please pray that I will hear God and His wisdom and learn from this time in the penalty box. Not just so I don't repeat my mistakes, but also so the person who played the part of referee and placed me in the box will see and hear when it is time to let me out.
In His Love,
Manda

randomness

I have this feeling that today was one of those days I will look back on and say, "There, that is where things changed for me". I am not sure that I have had many of those days before, but I do believe today was one of them. I realized while leaving the school today I am not meant to be a teacher. I had been kicking it about for a while, asking God if this was His calling for me. But I feel very safe in stating God is not calling me to teach. I do believe I am called to be a substitute right now, I do not doubt that. However, I truly believe I am being called to speak, and not to a bunch of kids.

Please don't get me wrong. I have great respect for teaching, teachers, and especially after spending just a few days in different classrooms. And there was nothing bad that happened today in the classroom either. It isn't like I had this bad moment, in truth it was a final realization of a slow evolution of a feeling.

I believe all those poor choices I have made in my life gifted me with life lessons and experiences so I would have this fabulous testimony to share with others. See, God gave me this great thing called forgiveness! Now, In the religious world with religious speak forgiveness has another word that is often used for it- grace. BUT, in truth, Grace has a much more profound meaning than just forgiveness.

Forgiveness means that you let the offense go, you no longer seek restitution. But grace, GRACE means that you let it go, do not seek restitution, and FORGET IT! That is right, it is washed away, erased, vaporized, El' GONO! I have experienced Grace from no-one in my life, but GOD. And how did I come to experience such Grace? Thru Jesus. He is the door! He is the Way and the Truth and the Life! And Jesus, my sweet and loving Jesus, He chose to give me that Grace knowing that it would cost him great pain and suffering.

Do you know of anyone in your life who would do the same. Oh sure, you might be thinking of your mom or your dad, but let me put it into perspective for you.

First, my mom is my biggest hero, she loves me more than anyone else on this planet and I have no doubt of that. But, my mom is human. She can't forget when I called her the B--ch word in her kitchen. My mom wont ever forget holding her first grandchild and then handing it off to a nurse because her daughter was only 17 and had chosen to give that baby up for adoption. My mom will not EVER forget her only daughter, her baby, packing up everything in her room and moving out in the space of one day without telling her she was leaving, where she was going, or who she would be with, or when she would be in contact again. Talk about loving and forgiving someone. I really put her through it. She loves me still though, but unlike Jesus, she cannot forget these hurts I caused her. My mother has forgiven me, but has not forgotten. And that is not even close to part of the things I put her through.

So here I am realizing all my bad was for HIS good, one more kind. I get cold chills just thinking about it. I am so very blessed to still hear His voice. I am so blessed He would even consider speaking to me, much less loving me. So where is He calling me? I have a guess, but I am still afraid to actually type it out, say it out loud, share it with anyone else. I am not real sure my guess is from Him, and that is part of my hesitation. The other part of my hesitation is my personal fear of how it will sound when I share what I think He is calling me to.  And make no mistake, He is calling me!

In the words of the Wonder Pets " the phone, the phone is ringing". But there is no animal in trouble, instead there are women in trouble. Women who have missed out on the understanding God has to offer.

I know.....I need to stop. I have gone on and on tonight and I have a sleeping husband who is snoring and waiting for me to join him in the symphony that is our snores. So I will end on this, I TThessalonians 1:4-5a "For we know, brothers (and sisters) loved by God, that he has chosen you, because our gospel came to you not simply with words, but also with power, with the Holy Spirit, and with deep conviction". NIV

May you feel the Holy Spirit in His convictions!

Saturday bules

So I haven't blogged in a while because I have been so darn busy. When I sit down at my computer now it is to check email and work on school assignments. I don't even bother with Facebook anymore unless my mother mentions something going on with my Big brother and his boys. To be honest I have not missed it much. I miss having more free time, but not computer time. Which may have you wondering why in the world I am taking this free time and using it to write in my blog, well, I will tell you dear friends (since no one reads this that is written with sarcastic irony).
I am writing in this blog today because it is thereaputic. You see, I worked as a substitue for the first time two weeks ago and ended up working the entire week. That was a great expereince, but exhausting. Then Saturday I was blessed with the opportunity to watch Beth Moore in a Simulcast where she spoke to those of us watching about what we say when we "openeth our mouth". Probers 31:26 "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the Law of Kindness is on her tongue and lips". So I have been convicted of what I say, to whom, and how.
Then this past week I substitued on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I had the opportunity for Monday and Friday as well, but I couldn't becuase Meg had a doctors appointment and Wednesday I felt pretty crummy. Which is just one more side affect of having a body that is in a constant state of rebellion against what my mind, heart, and soul would like to feel like.
Then there is today, this Saturday. Today I went to a friends house becuase she was hosting a sales party. She is trying to sell a product, get her own business started, and invited me and many other ladies to join her if we were interested. And on my way over to her home I had the thought that once again I had been invited to and was going to a function where someone was selling something. From there my brain kicked into the phone calls and texts that I had received all week and I realized that with the exception of two people, no one that I consider a friend had reached out to contact me this week. Now, from there I bakctracked to the week before and it was even worse. No one had reached out to me without me reaching out to them first.
So this of course spiralled into all kinds of negative thoughts about myself and the kind of person and friend I must be if I have no friends who choose to reach out to me without wanting something. But then, YES dear friends there is a moral to this pitty party. I promise I am GETTING there. Then I heard the music coming from the CD on the truck stereo. Mandisa had started over and was back to song one. "My Deliverer" was playing and I realized that I was not giving God the glory through any of my thoughts. Not even a little. So I sang along for a few words and then I prayed. I asked God to forgive me and my spirit of selfishness and to please deliver me from the negative thoughts that were swimming in my brain. Becuase the truth is that I was no longer trying to stay afloat in them, I was simply sinking and had given up!
Before anyone asks, yes I took my medicine this morning. But I do not think that even the great Cymbalta can keep up with emotional, mental, and spiritual warfare and come out the winner. Only the sweet and wonderful Lord of our Universe can garauntee a VICTORY! And He did deliver me!
So I went into my friends party and came out with a few more ideas and a receipt for products that I hope will help me be a bit more physically appealing to my husband. After all, my children do not care if I have crows feet around my eyes, now do they?
SO, once again God receives the Glory for loving me and saving me and Delivering me from myself. Thank you Jesus for not letting go even when I do. Please Lord, Please continue to reach out and touch those lives that I lift up to you each day for your healing and your peace including myself. I love you Lord. Thank you for loving me and for saving me with your son Jesus. AMEN!

The Follow Up

Just a quick note to say once again how great God is! There were four wonderful ladies in Bible study tonight. I am very greatful they were willing to listen to God and take this adventure with me. I pray that God uses me to reach each of them in some way.
I came home and satan immediatly reached out to tempt me. I was tempted to lose my patience and my temper and the desire to speak with the loving tone and words God has given to me. But, the wonderful holy spirit intervened and while my thoughts were not those that would honor God, I did not allow my thoughts to be spoken. So, I am nowhere near the person god desires I be, but I am working on it.

When I was younger I learned a song called Kids Under Construction. I believe it was part of the Music Machine. Anyway, Tonight I found myself singing "The Lord might not be finished yet" to myself. He who created a good work in me..... I know He, the Lord of the Universe, is not done with me yet.

I don't have it all together, but thankfully I don't have to. I love you Lord. Thank you for Loving me too, despite myself. Please continue to bless me with your voice, your peace, and please continue to heal Megan of her ear infection. Actually Lord, please bring peace to my Uncle and my Grandfather as well. I am not worthy of your love and healing, but you do so despite my unworthiness! I love you Lord. I love you I love you I love you! Amen.

Have a blessed day! I am praying for you too!

Tonight's the Night!

Ok, so the theme to Welcome back Kotter is running through my head as I type this. Not that I am that old, but I was thinking Welcome Back as I started typing and since everything I think tends to lead me to a song....there you go! How is that for random thinking?
My inlaws have been in town the last few weeks so the only computer time I have had has been for school and banking. Not that this is a bad thing, just an honest explanation for why I have not had the time to empty my head again through blogging.
Whoa! Did I really just type blogging, I guess I am truly living in this century after all.
So tonight is the night! I have been praying about this night for weeks and I have to say that God has surprised me several times already with His Awesome revelations! Tonight is the introduction to the Women's Bible study that I am blessed to lead/ facilitate. The Bible study for this fall is BECOMING MORE THAN A GOOD BIBLE STUDY GIRL By Lysa Terkeurst.
For anyone who doesn't know who Lysa is, she is the President of Proverbs 31 Ministries and she is a pretty good speaker and writer. I can not give her rave reviews as of yet becuase I have only known about her for a few months and I am a tough person to win over when it comes to writing and speaking.
Anyway, I am very excited about tonight because I have already received some great blessings from God just in the preperation for this study. First! God has given me a good day today. What I mean by that is that I feel good today. No nagging pain, no fatigue, no crazy mood swings... I am looking at the world with open eyes and easy breathing. Before this days blessing, I recieved God's blessing yesterday when He walked me through the process of writing out tonight and next week's Bible study questions. See, I thought I had asked the ladies at LifeWay to order the Bible study workbooks and the DVD. But instead they ordered the books and the DVD. You catch that, No workbook. I had a brief moment of panic, ok, the car ride back from Tallahassee was mostly me negotiating with God about how to get the workbooks in before the study starts and to find the money to pay for them since it was clearly my ordering error and the church budget is not responsible for paying for my ordering error. But! Just as I reached Calhoun County I realized that I needed to shutup and listen to God instead of keep talking to God. Funny how I forget to listen sometimes, isn't it?
So, I listened. you know what He said? He said "you do it". Like the Nike slogan, Just do it. He said "You Do It!" Now, I will admit to equal parts glee and panic at His answer. Yeah for me that God wants to use my feeble brain to come up with questions to ask these ladies, His children! But whoa is me that God wants to use my feeble brain to come up with questions to ask His children!
Yeah, I know, I am SO complex right?
So then yesterday I am reading the pages for next weeks lessen for about the 4th time when God just starts pulling the words to me. Almost as if they were written in bold in the book. So I start writing them down in my Wonder Woman spiral. (that's right, I take notes for Bible study about being a good Bible study girl in a Wonder Woman spiral, you got a problem with that?: )) The next thing I know I am typing up tonights questions and next weeks questions and printing them off. Just like that.
I actually had to read the pages that printed to be sure I know what was on the paper. Thank you Lord! You are totally Awesome!
So the blessings that I received before yesterday, well, those will just have to wait for another post. I will leave it in God's hands to say when. For now please belive me when I say that He is awesome. Right down to the rainbow over my house a few days ago!
I pray God Blesses you too!

First day of 7th and 9th grade

Today was my sons first day as a Freshman in High School and my daughters first day as a 7th grader. They both said their first day of the 2010-2011 school year was pretty good. I am very Grateful they had a great day and are healthy and smart kids. Thank you Jesus!
I learned today that I am not invinceable, despite medication and the intent to feel better than I actually do. So by the time I had a shower I was in enough pain to be tossing up my dinner in the shower. That would be level 10 pain, and not fun!
But I am trusting in the Lord that tomorrow will be better. I would like to go and get my certification completed for being a Substitue, as well as driving out of my little town to one of the big towns nearby where I get to pick up my new wig! I am SO excited because it is natural hair and should look Wonderful! I hope!
On the not so up side, again, I miss my best friend. I have recently stood up her twice and I hate the dissapointment that it causes. I am hoping to fix that by letting her know just how much I appreciate her. And by praying for her and her continued work for the Lord at her church in the womens ministry.
She is a great woman, great friend, great mom, great wife, and a Fantastic child of God.
But for now I am seeking the peace of the great I AM! He loves me and can relieve the stress and pain I am suffering with. This is my lot, and I am truly blessed He believes I am able to handle so much!'
I love you Lord!

Home

Yeah! My two oldest children are home. They spent six weeks with their dad in Georgia this summer and those six weeks felt like forever. Missing them is not an emotional experience I enjoy repeating at holidays or during the summer. But having them home and hearing three voices laugh and fight is much better than hearing the youngest child whine about missing them. With a three and a half year old, an almost twelve year old, and a fourteen and a half year old the house is never quiet. Even at night while sleeping the youngest snores (like her mother, father, and all her grandparents) and the middle one will moan or groan while the oldest talks in his sleep.
That's right, I said I was a mom in my last post. Actually I became a mom when I was 17 and gave birth in high school. I gave birth to a little boy 17 days after my 17th birthday. The very next day I left the hospital by myself to go home with my mother and that precious little boy went to the adoptive parents that God had picked out for Him. So technically I became a mom that day, but I was not responsible for raising a son until 1995.
Then in 1998 I had a daughter, and again in 2007 I had another daughter. So I have been wearing the mom hat for a long time and I love it. The saying that a good job is its own reward is true, but I would still like to have a few vacation days every now and then along with one or two sick days, you know!
So with my children all home my house feels set to rights again. Of course, I am not so sure their dad/my husband feels the same way. He likes quiet and clean. I know he loves them, and that he missed them, but I think he misses the quiet. :)
On to our errands and busy day ahead. Thank you God that my children are home and that we are blessed by your presence every day with every breath! Amen!

I guess it's time I started

So 10:30 on August 5, is not what I would consider the most noteable time for someone to start blogging, but then I am not typically a noteable person. I have thought about doing this for a while now, and thanks to a friend of mine and her courage to pursue her dream, I am going to pursue mine. (thanks mary!)

I am a Christian, child of God, daughter of faith, believer of the resurrected Christ who is the ONLY truth I will ever need. After that description, anything else, any other words I write are small in comparison. However, I am also a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a sister in-law, daughter-in-law, cousin, student, and woman. I am sure I left out several of the other hats that I wear, but I am jsut as sure that anyone reading this would get the point.
In case you are wondering I do not have an intended audience in mind. Why would I? I have no desire to share this blog sight with anyone. It is more, umm, theraputic than anything else. As a long time journaler and writer for relieving emotions this seems to be a natural progression, right? Ok, maybe not. Maybe putting your innermost thoughts and musings on an open book to the world isn't the wisest thing to do but here I am doing it anyway.
My beloved husband is snoring away behind me and reminding me that I am the only one in the house awake. the reason I am awake, I hurt. Not just my joints, shoulders and knees and hands, but also on the inside. I am hurting for family members that are hurting. I think part of me may be selfishly wallowing in that hurt, becuase it feels good to feel something, but I also KNOW that I am supposed to give that hurt over to God. So my selfeshness is two fold along with my disobedience. Funny how typing that out makes me feel the need to stop and pray. Seek His forgiveness.
I'm sorry Lord, I should hand these mind and heart burdens over to you and quit trying to handle them myself. You are the one who is taking care of them anyway-I just keep interrupting and putting my two cents in when you really don't need it. So I ask your forgiveness and pray that you will forgive me. help me to turn from my selfish desire to dwell and worry and wallow and instead to keep my focus on you. Awesome and wonderful Lord. In your precious sones name, Amen
And with that done I can feel my eyse getting heavier. The pain is not subsiding, but I would rather suffer in the warmth of the bed with my husband than typing at this silly computer.
GoodNight and God Bless!