randomness

I have this feeling that today was one of those days I will look back on and say, "There, that is where things changed for me". I am not sure that I have had many of those days before, but I do believe today was one of them. I realized while leaving the school today I am not meant to be a teacher. I had been kicking it about for a while, asking God if this was His calling for me. But I feel very safe in stating God is not calling me to teach. I do believe I am called to be a substitute right now, I do not doubt that. However, I truly believe I am being called to speak, and not to a bunch of kids.

Please don't get me wrong. I have great respect for teaching, teachers, and especially after spending just a few days in different classrooms. And there was nothing bad that happened today in the classroom either. It isn't like I had this bad moment, in truth it was a final realization of a slow evolution of a feeling.

I believe all those poor choices I have made in my life gifted me with life lessons and experiences so I would have this fabulous testimony to share with others. See, God gave me this great thing called forgiveness! Now, In the religious world with religious speak forgiveness has another word that is often used for it- grace. BUT, in truth, Grace has a much more profound meaning than just forgiveness.

Forgiveness means that you let the offense go, you no longer seek restitution. But grace, GRACE means that you let it go, do not seek restitution, and FORGET IT! That is right, it is washed away, erased, vaporized, El' GONO! I have experienced Grace from no-one in my life, but GOD. And how did I come to experience such Grace? Thru Jesus. He is the door! He is the Way and the Truth and the Life! And Jesus, my sweet and loving Jesus, He chose to give me that Grace knowing that it would cost him great pain and suffering.

Do you know of anyone in your life who would do the same. Oh sure, you might be thinking of your mom or your dad, but let me put it into perspective for you.

First, my mom is my biggest hero, she loves me more than anyone else on this planet and I have no doubt of that. But, my mom is human. She can't forget when I called her the B--ch word in her kitchen. My mom wont ever forget holding her first grandchild and then handing it off to a nurse because her daughter was only 17 and had chosen to give that baby up for adoption. My mom will not EVER forget her only daughter, her baby, packing up everything in her room and moving out in the space of one day without telling her she was leaving, where she was going, or who she would be with, or when she would be in contact again. Talk about loving and forgiving someone. I really put her through it. She loves me still though, but unlike Jesus, she cannot forget these hurts I caused her. My mother has forgiven me, but has not forgotten. And that is not even close to part of the things I put her through.

So here I am realizing all my bad was for HIS good, one more kind. I get cold chills just thinking about it. I am so very blessed to still hear His voice. I am so blessed He would even consider speaking to me, much less loving me. So where is He calling me? I have a guess, but I am still afraid to actually type it out, say it out loud, share it with anyone else. I am not real sure my guess is from Him, and that is part of my hesitation. The other part of my hesitation is my personal fear of how it will sound when I share what I think He is calling me to.  And make no mistake, He is calling me!

In the words of the Wonder Pets " the phone, the phone is ringing". But there is no animal in trouble, instead there are women in trouble. Women who have missed out on the understanding God has to offer.

I know.....I need to stop. I have gone on and on tonight and I have a sleeping husband who is snoring and waiting for me to join him in the symphony that is our snores. So I will end on this, I TThessalonians 1:4-5a "For we know, brothers (and sisters) loved by God, that he has chosen you, because our gospel came to you not simply with words, but also with power, with the Holy Spirit, and with deep conviction". NIV

May you feel the Holy Spirit in His convictions!

Saturday bules

So I haven't blogged in a while because I have been so darn busy. When I sit down at my computer now it is to check email and work on school assignments. I don't even bother with Facebook anymore unless my mother mentions something going on with my Big brother and his boys. To be honest I have not missed it much. I miss having more free time, but not computer time. Which may have you wondering why in the world I am taking this free time and using it to write in my blog, well, I will tell you dear friends (since no one reads this that is written with sarcastic irony).
I am writing in this blog today because it is thereaputic. You see, I worked as a substitue for the first time two weeks ago and ended up working the entire week. That was a great expereince, but exhausting. Then Saturday I was blessed with the opportunity to watch Beth Moore in a Simulcast where she spoke to those of us watching about what we say when we "openeth our mouth". Probers 31:26 "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the Law of Kindness is on her tongue and lips". So I have been convicted of what I say, to whom, and how.
Then this past week I substitued on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I had the opportunity for Monday and Friday as well, but I couldn't becuase Meg had a doctors appointment and Wednesday I felt pretty crummy. Which is just one more side affect of having a body that is in a constant state of rebellion against what my mind, heart, and soul would like to feel like.
Then there is today, this Saturday. Today I went to a friends house becuase she was hosting a sales party. She is trying to sell a product, get her own business started, and invited me and many other ladies to join her if we were interested. And on my way over to her home I had the thought that once again I had been invited to and was going to a function where someone was selling something. From there my brain kicked into the phone calls and texts that I had received all week and I realized that with the exception of two people, no one that I consider a friend had reached out to contact me this week. Now, from there I bakctracked to the week before and it was even worse. No one had reached out to me without me reaching out to them first.
So this of course spiralled into all kinds of negative thoughts about myself and the kind of person and friend I must be if I have no friends who choose to reach out to me without wanting something. But then, YES dear friends there is a moral to this pitty party. I promise I am GETTING there. Then I heard the music coming from the CD on the truck stereo. Mandisa had started over and was back to song one. "My Deliverer" was playing and I realized that I was not giving God the glory through any of my thoughts. Not even a little. So I sang along for a few words and then I prayed. I asked God to forgive me and my spirit of selfishness and to please deliver me from the negative thoughts that were swimming in my brain. Becuase the truth is that I was no longer trying to stay afloat in them, I was simply sinking and had given up!
Before anyone asks, yes I took my medicine this morning. But I do not think that even the great Cymbalta can keep up with emotional, mental, and spiritual warfare and come out the winner. Only the sweet and wonderful Lord of our Universe can garauntee a VICTORY! And He did deliver me!
So I went into my friends party and came out with a few more ideas and a receipt for products that I hope will help me be a bit more physically appealing to my husband. After all, my children do not care if I have crows feet around my eyes, now do they?
SO, once again God receives the Glory for loving me and saving me and Delivering me from myself. Thank you Jesus for not letting go even when I do. Please Lord, Please continue to reach out and touch those lives that I lift up to you each day for your healing and your peace including myself. I love you Lord. Thank you for loving me and for saving me with your son Jesus. AMEN!

The Follow Up

Just a quick note to say once again how great God is! There were four wonderful ladies in Bible study tonight. I am very greatful they were willing to listen to God and take this adventure with me. I pray that God uses me to reach each of them in some way.
I came home and satan immediatly reached out to tempt me. I was tempted to lose my patience and my temper and the desire to speak with the loving tone and words God has given to me. But, the wonderful holy spirit intervened and while my thoughts were not those that would honor God, I did not allow my thoughts to be spoken. So, I am nowhere near the person god desires I be, but I am working on it.

When I was younger I learned a song called Kids Under Construction. I believe it was part of the Music Machine. Anyway, Tonight I found myself singing "The Lord might not be finished yet" to myself. He who created a good work in me..... I know He, the Lord of the Universe, is not done with me yet.

I don't have it all together, but thankfully I don't have to. I love you Lord. Thank you for Loving me too, despite myself. Please continue to bless me with your voice, your peace, and please continue to heal Megan of her ear infection. Actually Lord, please bring peace to my Uncle and my Grandfather as well. I am not worthy of your love and healing, but you do so despite my unworthiness! I love you Lord. I love you I love you I love you! Amen.

Have a blessed day! I am praying for you too!

Tonight's the Night!

Ok, so the theme to Welcome back Kotter is running through my head as I type this. Not that I am that old, but I was thinking Welcome Back as I started typing and since everything I think tends to lead me to a song....there you go! How is that for random thinking?
My inlaws have been in town the last few weeks so the only computer time I have had has been for school and banking. Not that this is a bad thing, just an honest explanation for why I have not had the time to empty my head again through blogging.
Whoa! Did I really just type blogging, I guess I am truly living in this century after all.
So tonight is the night! I have been praying about this night for weeks and I have to say that God has surprised me several times already with His Awesome revelations! Tonight is the introduction to the Women's Bible study that I am blessed to lead/ facilitate. The Bible study for this fall is BECOMING MORE THAN A GOOD BIBLE STUDY GIRL By Lysa Terkeurst.
For anyone who doesn't know who Lysa is, she is the President of Proverbs 31 Ministries and she is a pretty good speaker and writer. I can not give her rave reviews as of yet becuase I have only known about her for a few months and I am a tough person to win over when it comes to writing and speaking.
Anyway, I am very excited about tonight because I have already received some great blessings from God just in the preperation for this study. First! God has given me a good day today. What I mean by that is that I feel good today. No nagging pain, no fatigue, no crazy mood swings... I am looking at the world with open eyes and easy breathing. Before this days blessing, I recieved God's blessing yesterday when He walked me through the process of writing out tonight and next week's Bible study questions. See, I thought I had asked the ladies at LifeWay to order the Bible study workbooks and the DVD. But instead they ordered the books and the DVD. You catch that, No workbook. I had a brief moment of panic, ok, the car ride back from Tallahassee was mostly me negotiating with God about how to get the workbooks in before the study starts and to find the money to pay for them since it was clearly my ordering error and the church budget is not responsible for paying for my ordering error. But! Just as I reached Calhoun County I realized that I needed to shutup and listen to God instead of keep talking to God. Funny how I forget to listen sometimes, isn't it?
So, I listened. you know what He said? He said "you do it". Like the Nike slogan, Just do it. He said "You Do It!" Now, I will admit to equal parts glee and panic at His answer. Yeah for me that God wants to use my feeble brain to come up with questions to ask these ladies, His children! But whoa is me that God wants to use my feeble brain to come up with questions to ask His children!
Yeah, I know, I am SO complex right?
So then yesterday I am reading the pages for next weeks lessen for about the 4th time when God just starts pulling the words to me. Almost as if they were written in bold in the book. So I start writing them down in my Wonder Woman spiral. (that's right, I take notes for Bible study about being a good Bible study girl in a Wonder Woman spiral, you got a problem with that?: )) The next thing I know I am typing up tonights questions and next weeks questions and printing them off. Just like that.
I actually had to read the pages that printed to be sure I know what was on the paper. Thank you Lord! You are totally Awesome!
So the blessings that I received before yesterday, well, those will just have to wait for another post. I will leave it in God's hands to say when. For now please belive me when I say that He is awesome. Right down to the rainbow over my house a few days ago!
I pray God Blesses you too!